Hey y'all!
It’s been quite some time since I opened up to you guys about things that have been going on, but as like my initial post stated, I’m doing my best to work on that because I truly believe that anyone’s testimony can be used to help the next. With that said, on to the good stuff!
As some of you may or may not know, last year (2013) I picked up my life and made my first big move ever. I woke up one warm morning in February after an eye-opening dream and next thing I know, I was apartment hunting two short weeks later in Atlanta. In May of that same year, I hit a milestone when I graduated with my Masters degree. Literally, a week to the day later, I packed up everything and headed north to Atlanta.
I was scared, nervous, excited, doubtful…pretty much any word you can think of. I had no job lined up when I moved - just some freelance gigs, a few stacks stashed and thoughts of not being able to come back. Not because I was fearful of what people thought of me, but because I knew that my purpose couldn’t be fulfilled in that particular setting at that time. To some people that sounds crazy, right? I’m sure people are asking themselves, “Why did she move without a job?” or saying “Well that was stupid”. But truthfully, when God tells you to move, you MOVE! It’s hard to explain and most people won’t understand, but just remember God’s message to you will never be the same message He has to anyone else.
Unfortunately though, once I got to Atlanta, things weren’t anywhere near what I wanted them to be. I struggled and I struggled bad. I’ve never been the one to not work or not be cautious with my coins but this time, things were truly different. At first, everything was cool because I was still picking away at the stash of money I had lined up, but as all good things, that came to an end.
I was terrified. I didn’t know why God was doing this to me. As a Christian, one of the first things we always say is, “I’m a good person” or “This shouldn’t be happening to me”. Of course, I had my share of those moments because I was confused. I paid my tithes, I prayed for everyone, I helped whenever I could, and I always made it my point to be there when people needed me. So, it was only natural that I felt betrayed when I went through my own storm.
I remember applying for jobs anywhere I could and getting turned down because I was told that I was “too educated” and that I “would be a retention risk”. I was devastated. I kept thinking, ‘Damn if this is what it’s like for people after college, I’m glad I stayed where I was for so long!’ I think the hardest thing to hear is not that you don’t have enough education, but that you have too much education. I can’t take that back and would never try to. I remember being so depressed that I wouldn’t answer the phone for anyone when they called. I mean hell, people weren’t calling that often anyway, but when they did, I didn’t want to face the discussion of, “How are things going? I know you’re doing big things - tell me about them!” When in fact, it felt like I wasn’t doing ANYTHING, let alone big things - HA!
While everyone else just knew that I was living it up, I was actually in probably one of the most uncomfortable situations I had ever been in. It made it extremely difficult for me to enjoy myself in even the slightest bit. I was too concerned with trying to make things fall in place that I wasn’t enjoying the moments of just letting them fall in place. I was in a place where hearing no over and over again was tearing me down. I literally went through hell and back and only one or two people really knew what I was struggling with.
it wasn’t until I gave God the situation completely that things changed for me. Not that they hadn’t been changing the entire time, but I really started to notice and be thankful for those changes after it. For every no I heard before, I would get frustrated and down. It wasn’t until I sat down and realized that making things fall into place wasn’t the answer. I had to let them get there. It was basically like G-Dawg (God) and I had come to an agreement. As long as I worked as hard as I could, He would get me there. Then, every no I was hearing before started turing into a yes that was opening doors. Although the yes wasn’t in the same form as what I wanted initially, it actually turned out to be more beneficial than I could have ever imagined.
Throughout my entire situation, I learned that when you don’t get what you want when you want it, it’s because there’s something much better waiting for you down the line. While I am very comfortable in telling everyone my story now, it wasn’t so easy to do while I was enduring it partially because my faith in God’s abilities weren’t as solid as they are now. It’s easy to have faith in God when you’re not going through something, but as soon as you start struggling, it always seems like everyone disappears. As much as I would love to tell you that my faith was 100%, I can’t. I was angry at God and the people that I thought should have been there for me. Then I realized that it doesn’t work like that. No one owes you anything. As much as you believe people will be as good to you as you are to them, life doesn’t match up like that…and that’s OK!
It’s often been said that God will take you to your lowest point for you to understand what he needs you to get and I can honestly say that I’ve endured that journey. This might not be my “lowest” point, but I can assure you it comes pretty close lol. I’m also a firm believer that everything that God puts you through is not always for you. Sometimes, he takes you through a storm or a struggle just so you can help someone get through theirs when that time comes.
So the next time you feel as if God is picking on you or keeps putting you through hell and back, take a moment to thank Him for choosing you for that journey. Although I had some real life arguments with God during my travel, I now thank Him for everything He took me through and furthermore, everything he will take me through. If it weren’t for those moments of sorrow, despair, grief, and depression, I wouldn’t be able to confidently write or speak to people about how great God has been to me. Even through those terrifying moments, I was blessed to be surrounded by a few good people who really had my back.
God’s way of showing you what your purpose is can often be very funny. Sometimes we don’t get to laugh until the end, but nevertheless His humor is admirable. I wholeheartedly encourage anyone who might be experience a moment of weakness, pain, depression, or confusion to really seek the reasoning behind all of it and accept it. Once you can do that, things will become much easier for you.
-Kp