They say change is the only thing that’s unavoidable in life, and my 27th year of being on this earth proved that. It’s difficult to want more out of life, but not be willing to do the things necessary to get there - i.e. make changes. It’s a bit counterproductive, if I do say so myself.
Speaking of being counterproductive, I did a lot of that this year too. Not on purpose - of course - but nevertheless, I still did it. From praying to God for answers on things and then running away when I got them to going to eat unhealthily right after the gym; I was all over the place! Although I cringe at the thought of the downfalls I had while being 27, a lot of those downfalls turned into valuable lessons to take into 28 and served as reminders that there are really no failures in life, only feedback.
While I told myself I would blog more often to work on this whole being transparent thing, I obviously (from the look of my tumblr timeline) lied. Now, if you know me - even if you don’t - I often say I don’t lie anymore because of the beating my mom gave me many years ago (thanks, Pookie!). So that brings us here to almost an exact year since I made the “I’m going to be transparent” declaration. I’m still working on transparency, obviously, but I felt that giving you guys a few things that I learned during my 27th year would be a good way to segue going into my 28th - which by the way, I still can’t believe is happening.
So, without further adieu…
1. Have faith in yourself.
I learned that if you can’t have faith in yourself, no one else will. People will be more willing to help you once they see you at least trying to help yourself. Be confident in your abilities and what you have to offer. If the people around you can’t see it, find new people to be around who appreciate you, what you have to offer, and what you can create. It’s really that simple.
2. Have faith in God.
This probably should’ve been the first thing I listed, but you get the point. I recently read something that touched on how we trust God to make the planets spin every day, but we can’t trust Him with something much smaller - which is our lives. It brought everything into perspective for me. Who am I to put a cap on what God is capable of doing in my life? It’s a disservice not only to yourself, but to Him to let anyone place a limit on what you can accomplish. Let God do the talking and you just continue to do the walking (on the path He creates, of course).
3. No budget/no deposit = no work.
This was hard for me, but after having bs meetings with people who wanted to “get together,” I learned my lesson. I’m not really a person who likes to socialize unless I‘m familiar with you or the situation, so me taking a meeting really needs to be worth it. I also learned that people - especially friends - have no respect for the fact that you are now a brand or trying to create one when they need something from you. They feel as if they are exempt from prices that you’ve set and rarely respect your time. Everyone wants you to work for/with them, but only a few want to actually give you what you deserve or what you’re worth. Well, this year woke me up. No more free handouts. It costs to eat and I’m tired of starving.
4. Love yourself more.
This could have quite possibly been one of the most important things I’ve learned. You are no use to anyone until you work on you first. Not to say you have to be perfect, but you at least need to know who you are, what makes you move and how to love you. You can’t teach someone else how to love you if you don’t even know what it takes to love you.
5. Don’t become too discouraged if things don’t work out how you wanted.
I had a lot of plans this year and they didn’t all go according to what I thought I wanted. I created a webseries that, in my mind, I wanted to be bigger than I could obligate the time to become. I got discouraged when people didn’t see my vision or when things fell apart due to faults on my end or people in the mix. I learned through all of those issues that there is an unspoken beauty about things not coming together how you’d like your first go round and that is having the opportunity to look back the second time and see how much you improved. Nothing is guaranteed to be a success, but it sure does feel good now looking back and saying I tried my hardest to make it one.
6. More uplifting, less negativity.
Yes, I admit it. I was a “Negative Nancy.” Or, a “Negative Ni'Kesia” as my birth certificate might have it. We have a tendency to talk ourselves down and in some cases sabotage what’s coming our way because we don’t have the confidence in ourselves that’s needed to walk in our purpose. I spent 27 thinking negatively about almost every situation I encountered. “What if this doesn’t work out? What if that doesn’t work out?” It did nothing but stress me out, break my face out, and cause me to become sick. I took from this though, that what God has in the pipeline for me, will be for me. So what if this one thing doesn’t happen? There will be a million more that will. I had to stop treating myself like I wasn’t worthy enough of having good stuff happen to me. You should too.
7. Be careful who you let penetrate your circle.
This is actually a really important one. Have you ever noticed that the more you hang around a person, the more of their habits you pick up? Think about the words you and your friends use. I even know some best friends who laugh alike because they’ve been friends so long! This still reigns true. While you might feel like someone isn’t influencing you, chances are they are slowly doing so. If you’re surrounded by a person who exudes negative energy, eventually you will pick up on it. I don’t know about you, but I live a good life - even when my flesh feels like it’s not as good as I would like. Therefore, I don’t want to wake up taking on anyone else’s problems. I’m always here to talk to, encourage, and pray for you, but if I talk to you 5 times out of the week and all 5 of those conversations are always negative, I have to keep you at a distance. Persuasive penetration is not my wave.
8. If you created it, let people see it.
I’m a very personal person (hence me trying to become more transparent). I have a fear of people rejecting something that I’ve created (as most of us do). In the words of Erykah Badu, “I’m sensitive about my sh*t!” As a creative being, it’s hard to ever be satisfied with what you’re doing. You sometimes don’t sleep because your brain moves differently than those who are not creatively endowed. It’s a blessing to be able to see what other people deem as nothing and create something. However, it can be depressing too because nothing is ever really good enough. You always think back on what you should have or could have done differently. I adopted the mantra of ‘I’m only as good as the last thing I created,’ and it haunts me. I have so much material that I’ve created that hasn’t seen the light of day! Why? Because I lacked the confidence to put it out. It’s unhealthy and you can’t be afraid of feedback. Feedback is what helps you grow, learn, and avoid making the same mistakes you unintentionally made before.
9. Spend more time being happy.
Again, I am a creative. Mix that in with being a milennial and you’ve got one focus driven, entrepreneurial based, creative visionary that wakes up out of her sleep to write down a thought that couldn’t wait until her 6am wake up call. I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to figure out how to be happy when it really should be effortless. People strive to find happiness because they’re looking to fit the mold of what someone else qualifies happy to be. I’ve been dead broke before and have probably been more happier than I was when I was working a full time, 9-5 with a pocket full of coins. What you think of life is what it is. Why waste your time thinking that happiness only exists when you have the proper circumstances?
10. Spend more time with your family.
When I moved from Orlando to Atlanta, it was hard for me. I was suffering from depression so that secluded me from everyone around me. While I didn’t openly share what I was going through at the time, I was lucky to make it out of it. Many people don’t - including a friend of mine who succumbed to the illness this past fall. I learned through coming out of my depression though, that everything changes and moves quickly. When I moved to Atlanta, my sister had just found out she was pregnant and now, my gorgeous niece just celebrated her 2nd birthday! From seeing her go from crawling to walking in a split second, to now talking and reading, I was reminded how imperative it is to spend time with my family. When my birthday comes around, I’m not the only person getting a year older - my parents are too. I don’t know how much time God gave me or them, so I try to make it my point to spend more time with them.
11. Cultivate new relationships.
Everyone isn’t friendly, let them tell it. But my question is: why not? I was like that too. I think the key to having new friends, business relationships, or even intimate relationships is to spend time cultivating them. We’re “right now” people. Meaning we jump into everything so quickly and then wonder why we get burned or get screwed over. Spend more time getting to know people and situations. Not only will it help you decipher who they are, it’ll open up your mind to new things. Fall in love with someone’s character instead of what they have to offer.
12. Smile. Even when it hurts.
The mind is a scary thing. It can create issues that were never relevant and if you lie to it so many times, it’ll start to question the truth. That’s how I feel about smiling. Even on a bad day, trick yourself into feeling good. Once you find one good thing, it’ll be hard not to find two.
13. Don’t rush the process.
Again, we are “right now” people. We want God to fix a situation today when we pray on it and we want people to oblige to our needs right when we want them. We don’t want the process, we just want the prize. I learned though, that even if I knew the end to the story, I would do my best to try to change the detail to make it go how I want it go. There’s no way you can get to the last castle to save Princess Peach without ducking and dodging through the other ones. Treat life the same way. Don’t rush it.
14. RESEARCH.
Know your stuff, man. Trial and error is cool, but if you can prevent massive error, why wouldn’t you? I learned this an extremely hard way and in turn, it watered down what I was trying to accomplish. No one likes wet dope, so I’m not trying to sell it.
15. LISTEN MORE.
If you come into a situation claiming to know everything, you’ve already failed. You have to give people the opportunity to show you something in a different way. There’s more than one way to add up numbers to equal 4. By just taking a few moments to sit still and shut up, I was able to maybe understand the perspective of what was being placed in front of me. Be slow to speak and slower to react.
16. Pray with a sense of expectancy.
I’m a prayer. I pray when I’m upset and I pray when I’m not. I pray when life’s good and I pray when it’s in shambles. This year though, I was tested heavily. There were a lot of things that happened; some of which I could control, some of which I couldn’t. I learned to pray without ceasing and to pray with a spirit of expectancy knowing that all of my heart’s desires would come to fruition - even if they weren’t coming right now. It’s hard to be confident in something you can’t see, but one thing I do know is that God hasn’t let me down in 27 years, so I don’t expect him to now.
17. Ask people if they need help.
Don’t be afraid to help people. You never know who’s looking to you for encouragement, motivation, mentorship, or just guidance. Always be willing to lend a helping hand in any way you can.
18. Ask for help.
Don’t let your pride hinder your growth. If someone wants to bless you, LET THEM. Don’t block your blessings being blind. If you need help, ASK and don’t turn it down because it arrives in a form you weren’t expecting. There’s a parable in the Bible that explains how a man called out to God for help because his boat was sinking. God sent multiple helpers to this man, but because it wasn’t in the form he expected (God himself), he declined. When he drowned and got to Heaven, he asked God why didn’t he come help. God told him 'I did, you just didn’t take it.’ Don’t be that guy. That was heavily paraphrased, but you get le picture.
19. Pray with and for more people.
Don’t limit yourself to praying for only yourself. Ask people what they need prayer for and if you’re bold enough, stop right there and pray for them instead of putting it on reserve until later. You never know what that one act could spark in that persons life or even your own. Surround yourself with people who pour into you as you’re pouring into them.
20. Don’t worry about the detail.
Sometimes life can drive you crazy. When you have a feeling that you’re supposed to be prosperous and successful, but can’t seem to get the formula right, you drive yourself insane trying to add the mixture right. I’ve learned that in some cases though, you can’t worry about the detail. Living life as it is, is good enough. When you concern yourself with the details of life, you take the innocence and beauty away from it. Spend more time cultivating those things and the details won’t even matter.
21. Stay in touch with your friends.
We’re getting old. Here I am in my late 20’s and I never thought I would be saying that. Life moves fast, hips expand, and kids come into the picture. Make a more conscience effort to keep in touch with your real friends - especially those with their own families now. Sometimes they need you more than you’ll ever know.
22. State your expectations or intentions in every situation.
Women, please pay attention to this. Every man you meet does not have the potential to be the one. You’ll know when you tell him what you’re expecting from him and he’s not on the same wave as you. LET THAT FOOL GO. This isn’t only for women though; men need it too. Be more assertive in what you want/need from a woman. This also falls in the categories of business and friendships. Tell people what you expect/intend to do from the beginning and your chances of having issues later down the road become slim.
23. Love people…even if it hurts.
I learned this while being 27. And let me tell you, IT HURT. I learned to love people at their worst and at their best. I decided to make the decision to want everyone to have God’s best…even if that didn’t include me in it. Sometimes, you’re forced to love people from a distance and although it hurts, it teaches you a valuable lesson on being selfless and loving unconditionally.
24. Give…even if you don’t want to.
Sometimes giving to someone you don’t want to is not the business. You hate it and it sucks. Give though, and don’t stop giving. Don’t ever let anyone deter you from doing good works.
25. Get out more.
CULTIVATE RELATIONSHIPS. Meet new people, go new places, and do new things. You’ll appreciate the transition and, in turn, meet some pretty incredible people.
26. Focus on one thing at a time.
We love to multitask. But I had to learn that multitasking can get you absolutely nowhere. You can’t spread yourself too thin and expect to be successful in every single aspect because you haven’t given not one single thing your full attention. Take the time to really focus on one thing before moving to the next. It becomes more effective when you do it that way.
27. BE YOU.
Never compromise on that. Be unapologetically you at all times. No one can tell you how to be you or what you should be. That’s your decision. Remember: what you cultivate, you become. So why not become the best you?
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” - Joshua 1:9
-Kp