OK, I'll admit it: as much as I preach to others about having and finding patience, it's the one thing that I truly lack. From finding my keys to waiting on my food to cool down before taking a bite, having patience is just not something I've mastered yet. Think I'm lying? I'm writing this as I just tried to stuff a slice of hot pizza that's fresh out of the oven in my mouth.
Being that my sense of patience is often lacking, I have a tendency to become frustrated or overwhelmed with emotion more often than I'd like. I usually do a good job at hiding it, but there are certain days - like today - that it doesn't work well. Sidenote: doesn't it seem like when one thing brings forth frustration in a day, everything following it does the same?
Today, I woke up and honestly had no complaint in the world. I got to sleep in, ate a decent breakfast, and afterwards, worked on some writing work from home. Around 1:45pm though, that's when the frustration set in. Now, I'm not sure what really triggered it, but all I know is I was ready to quit life, writing, and everything that came along with the aforementioned within 15 minutes of getting the feeling of frustration. While I was busy researching articles for a timely piece, I started asking myself 'why are you not further in life than where you are currently? Is this what you want to do forever because if so, you need to get on the ball with moving up. You literally aren't doing enough. This is what you call success?'
As people in general, we have a tendency to feel as if we're not doing enough to get where we need to go. Normally, I would say 'I remembered that I'm exactly where God needs me to be at this time in my life' and tell you that I went on to have a fantastic day after, but the truth is, none of that happened. Not one bit of it.
I felt overwhelmed with emotion of feeling like I'm in a stagnated position and that everything that I'm doing is pretty much a waste of time because I'm not moving forward. What is forward anyway? Who makes the decision of what "moving forward" is? Obviously today, that deciding factor was my negative thoughts of myself and my abilities.
When I have my moments of discouragement, I try to revert back to the things I've told people and the prayers I've prayed for them. Unfortunately though, there's always something so odd and difficult about not being able to take the same advice that you put out to others.
So what did I do? I sulked. I sat here and I just sulked on my couch with my computer on my lap, attempting to push out the work I so desperately needed to do. It's hard being an entrepreneur; I'm not going to lie. Anyone who tells you it isn't, is probably lying to you. It's hard trying to motivate yourself every day to know that one day, when you probably least expect it, your moment that you've been waiting on for years is coming and it's going to bring you everything you wanted. What's even more difficult is seeing all of the people you know who God has already blessed, move up in their careers and share how happy they are with where they are in life. As a friend, you just want to be happy and supportive of them, but seeing them go where you want to go makes you (if you're a good friend) re-evaluate what you're doing. For some people, the aftermath might have you feeling resentful towards them, but for me, I don't have that issue.
I've always been told that I'm too hard on myself, which to some extent, I can agree with. I want to feel like I'm not wasting anyone's time and most importantly, wasting what God has gifted me with. Today, I felt like I was experiencing both. I felt wasted (and no, not the white boy wasted you may be thinking of). I felt like I could be doing SO much more than what I was doing in life. I felt like my time was never really going to come and that I'd probably end up being where I am in life right now forever.
While I felt like this, I still remembered what it is that I would normally tell my friends or my family members to do when they were having a moment like this, and that would be to go to God. I'm sure people who are not faith-filled are reading this thinking "here we go," but I can't think of a time that after I chose to go to God about something that I was dealing with, I didn't come out with some sort of revelation. The problem may not always be solved automatically, but I am then equipped with the tools I need to move forward.
Instantly, I remembered a devotion I taught to my team in the Philippines based around Romans 12:6-8. Though I knew those verses weren't what I specifically needed to hear at that moment, I decided to read the ones that lead up to them and the ones that came after. The verses (3-13) read the following:
"For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. 4 For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, 5 so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. 6 We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your[a] faith; 7 if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; 8 if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead,[b]do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully. 9 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. 11 Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13 Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality."
Not only did those verses remind me that things will come to me in accordance to how big my faith is, it reminded me to not compare myself to others, work in my gifts as effective and efficiently as possible, and the most impressionable line of the lot, to "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer" (Romans 12:12).
That one simple line gave me what I needed in my most frustrating time and reminded me that no matter how much I love God, if I'm not diligent in my pursuit of wanting to be closer to Him through his Word and in my actions, there's no way I'll be able to conquer these moments of negativity.
So while today was probably the most frustrating I've had since being back in the United States, it was a very much needed day of frustration because I was reminded that everything you do has an effect on the bigger picture. Frustration taught me that there definitely are things that I could be doing better, but that if my spiritual life was not in formation, I'd always feel frustrated and that my life is lacking something.
Moral of today's story: don't be afraid of frustration because you're probably closer to where you need to be than you think!
-Kp