As a Christian, I can say that I have previously been guilty of using "just pray about it" as a way to solve the issues that people I know were facing. And, if I'm being completely honest about everything, I've even used it as an excuse to not deliver the proper advice that they probably needed. I'm really not proud to say that last part, but hey, we're all human and some of you have probably done it, too. I always thought that by telling people to "just pray about it," I was doing just enough to help them through what they needed. That was until I went through my first fight with depression and that's all people would tell me...
Being black and having depression is something that many people refuse to talk about. In our community, the discussion on mental health is very slim and if you're a believer in God, it's one that many feel guilty about having. Mix being black and being a Christian together, and you have a guilty thinking, non-communicative individual silently struggling with issues that others will tell them they just need to "get over." Unfortunately though, it's not one of those things that can just go away with a positive thought. Depression, whether you'd like to admit it or not, is real. It's real and it's really relevant. People don't like to talk about it because it's uncomfortable, but we have to get comfortable with being just that — uncomfortable.
When I first accepted that I was battling depression, I was embarrassed. I didn't want anyone to know that it was something that I was struggling with. Everyone looked at me as this really strong person and I would always hear, "I never worry about you. I know you'll be fine." But the truth is, I wasn't fine. I needed someone to worry about me, and more importantly, I wanted someone to worry about me. I wanted someone to tell me that how I was feeling was normal and that I didn't have to feel embarrassed about what I was going through internally. What I got instead though was "the talk" from friends that only served as an undersized Band-Aid put over a wound that was looking to be stitched.
I went to church, I prayed, I read my Bible and I tried to think positive thoughts to myself every day. I won't say that I had no one there to support me, but when you're depressed, you always feel like you're alone. Even if someone is sitting right next to you in the same exact room, you'll feel like there's no one there. I would go to events and smile at everyone, but I was literally screaming on the inside for someone to just ask me if I needed anything. But unfortunately, the only thing I got from most of the people I started to explain my feelings to was to "just pray about it."
Now, I won't say that prayer doesn't heal because prayer was apart of the way I was able to better myself. But, telling a depressed person to "just pray about it" confirms exactly what they thought before they came to you with their problem: 'I'm alone.' While I truly believe that spending time with God will help you through your times, I also believe that you have to have a supportive team of people around you, too. Ones that aren't telling you to "just pray about it," but people that are praying with you, for you, and over you. People that are willing to take an hour out of their day to just sit with you at your house or — even better — get you out of the house. Friends that even when you tell them no, they still pop up to see you because they see that something isn't right.
I truly understand that everyone deals with depression in different ways. Some people will close themselves off from everyone when they experience depression, while others will act like everything is OK. But the truth is, there's always some sort of sign that people are struggling with something. As a friend, you just have to care enough to notice it. And, let me tell you, telling someone to "just pray about it" when they're trying to open up to you is not the way to do it.
Your friends struggle. They go through things. Even your friends who you think will "be alright," have their own silent issues that they're independently fighting through because society has made them believe that it's not good to talk about them to others. Issues that people have told them to "just pray about" because they didn't have the time or the answers to give them at that moment.
What I've learned though, is that there has to be a follow-up. The Bible states that faith without work is dead (James 2:17) and this is a perfect example of that (in my opinion). You can't just tell people to pray about it and just leave them with that. Depression is deadly. It can take over a person's life and their mind. It's a disease that will convince people that they're not good enough and that they're forced to live life by themselves. I felt like that and quite honestly, I still have days like that. I'm sure a lot of people do, too, and that's completely OK. Depression is one of those things that you can't just pray away. It doesn't just go away because I'm a Christian and I'm "supposed to be grateful for the things God has given." It doesn't take away the pain that I feel internally or the feelings of abandonment that I've unintentionally gathered. Depression takes a team to conquer. It takes love and support, time and patience, faith and yes, prayer. But it can't be done without all of that.
I was in my darkest moment that I've ever felt. I felt like there was no way I was going to make it. I struggled with myself, I struggled with my thoughts, and I struggled with my faith. I kept asking myself, 'how can I love God, but feel like this? How can I call myself a Christian, but not appreciate what's given to me?' Depression is tough, and I honestly think that we have to start opening up the conversation about it more so that people know when things are not going well in our lives. The key is letting people help you before it gets to a point where they can't and, if you're willing to help, making sure that you're actually doing that.
If you're not sure just how to help someone who's struggling with depression, here are a few things that can guide you:
1. Make Your Statements Inclusive: When you're dealing with someone who is struggling with depression, they'll always feel like they're alone. Instead of telling them "you'll be OK," try telling them "we'll be OK." Including yourself into the statement is your subtle way of reminding them that they're not alone and that you're here to help them.
2. Spend Time With Them, Even When They Decline: Depression will make you think that you have to be by yourself. It makes you think that you're a burden to the people around you and that no one will ever understand. If they're depression closes them off from others, then naturally, your friend will decline every opportunity you throw out at them. Even if it seems like they're just avoiding you, don't give up on them. Invite them out, do pop up visits, and do your best to spend time with them.
3. Tell Them You Love Them: I didn't hear it enough when I was depressed. Aside from the natural closing of a conversation with my mom, I didn't hear people genuinely tell me that they loved me. It made me feel abandoned, alone, and well, unloved.
4. Give Them Hugs: A hug can literally heal. Don't be afraid to touch them.
5. Have Patience: Dealing with someone who is depressed can be frustrating and irritating. Their reasoning for crying can be redundant and they will have times where they don't even know why they're crying. Don't give up on them. They need you way more than you think they do.
6. Let Them Know That They Have Nothing To Be Embarrassed About: Reinforce the fact that opening up about their depression is a good thing because they're willing to be helped. It's nothing to be embarrassed about because they've made the first step to be repaired.
7. Pray With Them: Again, don't just leave them alone with their thoughts. Take the time out to pray with them or over them in the moment. Avoid telling them "I'll pray for you" because chances are, you won't. You'll forget at some point and they're not going to be the ones to ask again. Pray with them when it comes up because it makes them feel like someone actually cares. Which you do.
8. Stay Connected: People with depression know that you have your own life, which is why they don't open up. They want to avoid feeling like a burden to their families and friends. However, carve out some time to just call and check on them. Write them a message or send them a card. Send them a journal in the mail. Drop by a meal. Anything you can do to stay connected, do that.
9. Lastly, Stay Committed To Your Word: Don't add on to their feelings of abandonment. If you say you're going to be there, make sure you're there. If you need to reschedule, that's fine, but just make sure you don't forget about them. Depression will force those dealing with it to have some of the worst thoughts. Help them get their positivity back by showing up when they need you the most.
Have you or someone you know dealt with depression? How did you get through? Use the hashtag #ThisIsHowIHealed to let me know.
"But you, LORD, do not be far from me. You are my strength; come quickly to help me." - Psalm 22:19
With Creative (and Healing) Thoughts,
-Kp